Having a baby is not easy. You want to know what else isn’t so easy? Maintaining a healthy relationship with those around you, especially with your partner. Life is a little more exhausting and challenging now, and who is the one person that can sometimes take all the heat? Your partner. Not only that, but your overall relationship can really fire up, once the mommy and daddy era have begun. Learning how to connect with your partner is going to be the best way to make for a healthier environment, when moving forward in your relationship.
Without a doubt, your relationship is going to change once you have a baby. The rage within you begins, you’re low on sleep and you both are clueless on how to take care of your baby. It’s inevitable that things are going to be different, especially if this is your first.
What can happen over time is that we can start getting too comfortable with yelling at our partner. Or maybe vice versa, we get too used to getting yelled at. Believe me, I get it. This new transition is not easy. And honestly, it can be quite easy to take that anger out on someone who you feel so comfortable with. This mentality though can cause some real issues down the road. I feel like in the beginning it is quite inevitable. But if this type of behavior drags on for too long, it can cause some major issues.
Just like in friendships, respect and communication are essential to maintain a relationship. Romantic relationships are no different. But once things start getting too heated every single day, both of these get disregarded. Learning how to connect with your partner is going to be the path you both need, when gaining the communication and respect back.
In this post, we are going to be discussing all the ways on how to connect with your partner. Let’s talk about how knowing each others’ love languages and feeling valid in your feelings plays a huge role in your relationship. AND let’s discuss how your people pleasing tendencies can take a toll on your relationship.
Ready to throw in the towel to your type A “personality” ? This post is for you <3
How To Connect With Your Partner
not everything will be 50/50
So Mark I and started doing couples therapy around postpartum month 5. I’m not going to start going on and on about therapy, because I think I have done that enough in my past posts lol. BUT, this piece of advice (not everything will be 50/50) was the first piece of advice our therapist gave us (aka really directed just towards me).
During this time in my life, I was purely a stay at home mom. Besides working at my side job two days a week, I was literally just playing house wife and mommy – all day every day. If any of you are currently in a similar situation, you will know exactly what I am talking about. Why the f does everyone think being a stay at home mom is a luxury? You think you will get to snooze in your bed all morning? Or do you think you just get to chill with your baby all day? I even hate the term “stay at home mom” because it does sound like a nice, chill time. I am very grateful I get to watch my son grow everyday and be the one that’s his main leader, but I am just here to say that the “SAHM” gig is extremely challenging.
So anyways, I’m 5 months postpartum. We all know, you have to get up before your baby if you want ANY me time, right? So I start waking up about an hour before my kid usually wakes up. Once my son wakes up, it’s all up in the air how the day will be. Are we going to nap today? How clingy will we be? Are we going to try baby led weaning aka give mommy a mini stroke at every meal? Add this to some endless laundry and endless cleaning – and you sis have yourself a day.
Now, to some that might not sound that bad. But when this is your routine, day after day- it is extremely tiring. It really felt like I was the only one holding down the house. So, I would explain this to our therapist. “I seriously feel like I am the only one who does anything around here.” And after I said those exact words, my therapist hit me with the “Well yeah, because you are!” And so here, I was anticipating her to start telling Mark he needs to be more involved and blah blah blah. But instead, she hit me with the “Not everything is going to be 50/50.”
What I needed to realize is that of course I will be the one doing most of the housework and taking care of our son- I am the one here all day. But just like there is an imbalance here at home, right now Mark is thinking the same thing. *not his exact words but something like* “All I do is go to work. I work so many hours and am away from the house and just wish I could be home.”
Now I know all of us women laugh because we would LOVE to get out of the house, somedays it feels like we would do anything to escape the SAHM life. But the truth is, too much of ANYTHING gets old. Personally, if I worked a full time job that required my son to be at daycare, I would hate that too.
When you have a kid, roles change. Everything changes. Housework, diaper changes, meal preps, etc. will not be split up evenly. It just honestly can’t, with how different both of your schedules are during this time. So, I think it is important to remember that this situation is not & does not have to be permanent. And it also doesn’t give your partner a hall pass to just not help out at home because they are at work all day.
how to connect with your partner emotionally
Becoming parents is really no joke. It’s obviously a very important role but it can without a doubt take a huge toll on your relationship. I truly think learning how to connect emotionally with your partner will really help the two of you connect on a deeper level. Let’s discuss how!
understand their love language
Not only is it super important for you to be aware of your own love languages, but it is so necessary to know your partners. When talking about how to connect with your partner, learning their love language will be one of the best ways to do this. The two of you probably don’t have the same love language. And usually, we give love by what our own top love language is. This is exactly why it is so important to understand what they need in a relationship. I’m not saying to just totally act and love differently, but understand how your partner wants to be loved. Understand how they like to be shown that they are appreciated. And of course, make sure this is reciprocated by talking about how you like to be loved.
your reality is not the only reality
This one is always hard for me to swallow. Maybe it’s the Aquarius in me, but I have a hard time thinking I’m wrong. My stubbornness really shined through after I became a mom. I work a little less than full time, and I am a stay at home mom. I can literally do no wrong, right? Honestly, this type of mentally is what I have been struggling with currently.
Throughout my life I would like to say I have always been pretty good at taking others into consideration. I have always tried to look at life and situations objectively and with an open mind. But for some reason, ever since becoming a mom, this mindset has shifted. I don’t think this has really affected my outside relationships, but it has affected my relationship with my partner.
My reality is not my own reality. The way I perceive a situation is completely different than how my partner views the situation. I’m not trying to throw myself under the bus and sound like a total bitch, but just to give you some content that you can relate to.
– Sometimes my partner will get home, and he explains to me how exhausted he is. Truly, in my mind I’m like wow. I would do anything to be out of the house. How can he feel exhausted? I am the one who is exhausted.
But now, if roles were reversed and I explained to my partner that I was exhausted, and he replied like this- I would be absolutely pissed. We both have the right to be tired. Both sets of feelings are valid. We right now live two different realities and are going to experience both similar and different feelings. Just because one doesn’t maybe get it, that doesn’t mean that it’s not true.
So next time you’re about to rage at your partner for not totally understanding them, take a deep breath. You don’t have to fully understand it. But just try to remember that at the end of the day, what goes on in your head might be completely different than what is going on in their head.
IT’S TIME to drop the mom guilt. Read this post here all on how you are actually not being selfish.
communicate – Your partner is not a mind reader
Communication should be really at the top of this list. The reason it’s not, is because we all hear about communication. It’s something that we all hear so much that we basically ignore it. So I didn’t want this to be another “communication” section that you just skipped by.
Relationships are hard. And what makes relationships even more difficult is when you bring a baby into the world. Raising a kid is literally so tough. Add some low sleep to the equation and it can almost seem impossible at times. But you know what helps so much? Yes, communication.
Your partner is not a mind reader. I know, we all want our partner to just know exactly what we need and want. But reality check, I know that YOU don’t even know what you want all the time.
Sometimes people pleasers can also get mixed into the bad communication. You really don’t want to cause any drama and you want the best for your partner. Please understand that this is truly only going to make for more issues down the road. Be upfront with your feelings and what you want. You want the best for your partner, right? Well what about yourself? You need to also learn to reciprocate that love back to you and give yourself the respect you deserve.
I hope you enjoyed this weeks topic on how to connect with your partner! I just realized, I have never done a post that is solely based on relationships. Let me know what you think. I have always been the girl that loves playing therapist and helping her friends *a little too much* with relationship advice lol. So this topic was honestly one of my favorites to write about, and there will definitely be more in the future! xxx
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